


Sees.  Looks Ahead.  Imagines.

by punky_96



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-03
Updated: 2018-06-04
Packaged: 2019-05-17 21:38:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14839629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/punky_96/pseuds/punky_96
Summary: Re-post from LJ.Callie Sees, Callie Looks Ahead, and Callie Imagines were originally posted as linked one shots.  Here I am putting them together as chapters.  It starts out a bit angsty with Callie in the after math of Erica leaving SGH.  Then it goes on the journey with them as they long distance and then are together again.(This is my last re-post for Grey's Anatomy :)  Now I can finish transferring the DWP fics and then go from there :)  )





	1. Callie Sees

**_Callie Sees_**  
  
Erica sees leaves.  What do I see?  I wander the hospital and I work and I bump into people.  I see George, Izzie, Meredith, Mark, and Cristina.  Today all the ghosts come and I even think I hear Addison’s voice.  Maybe if I scrub in with Bailey I can at least hold a retractor or do something useful.  I can focus on my hands gripping the instruments and watch as the clock ticks by and the gentle buzz of the machines breaks into my mind and soothes it with the white noise of the ER.  
  
Or?  Not.  
  
Erica hasn’t been to work in days.  This was her OR.  Her surgeries were in this OR: the last one I worked on with her, the last one I watched from the gallery, the one where the ceiling crashed down on her, the scrub room where she said she didn’t make friends easily, the one where she operated on Bailey’s son.  Her first Seattle Grace surgery was here:  it was standing room only in the gallery because here she was on her first day operating on a guy while he was awake.  Cristina and Mark were practically drooling.  I thought they might just jump each other’s bones because they were so turned on by  ** _THE_**  Dr. Erica Hahn—the cardio-god, the ice queen, Attila the Hahn.  I could just snort.  
  
“You ok?” Bailey asks me.  Oh shit!  I did snort.  I snorted out loud and I moved the retractors.  How new am I?  
  
“Sorry.  A little.  Uh.  Distracted.”  
  
***  
  
I scrub out when it’s time to close.  And I wander around the hospital.  I haven’t slept much, I keep choking myself with my iPod headphones because I can’t sleep without my music on to drown the silence of my empty room.  I feel like a cutter because all I can do is listen to her music or music that reminds me of her.  Like I need to remind myself that she’s not here.  Really:  bleeding love-leona lewis, the nicest thing-kate nash, brave-idina menzel, leave the light on-sara ramirez, gravity-sara bareilles, the walk-imogen heap, love save the empty-erin mccarley, my love-bird and the bee, be OK-ingrid michaelson…  It all stirs me up and twists the emotions into knots in my stomach, but without it I can’t sleep.  It’s miserable.  I eat and feel sick, but if I don’t eat I still feel sick.  I need sleep, but then I dream and either Erica is here or she’s leaving and either way I wake up crying.  
  
I end up in the scrub room.  There are no surgeries going on right now.  It is late and the regular bustle has calmed down.  The first time I really noticed Erica was her first day when she stared down the chief when he came into  ** _her_**  OR to `check’ on her surgery and she challenged him that he wouldn’t have done that for any of his other attendings.  I didn’t know what I was seeing then.  I noticed her polka dot scrub cap, that she took some time before the surgery started; she wore glasses under the headlight, there were little hairs at the back of her neck below her scrub cap.  Her mouth was covered and you could see everything in her eyes.    
  
I didn’t know anything then.  I didn’t know she’d become my best friend.  I didn’t know how sweet she was.  I didn’t know that I would fall for her.  I didn’t know that I would hurt her with my uncertainty, or that my uncertainty would jeopardize something I had no way of knowing was so important.  All I knew then was that Seattle Grace had a new doc on the block and she would take no prisoners.  
  
I knew that I liked her focus, her determination, and her defiance.  She was not going to be the shy new kid, she was going to come in and do her job without apologies.  I liked that her body language couldn’t lie, her facial expression was so detailed and her eyes would tell you the bitter truth even if you didn’t want them too—even if she was trying to hold back out of courtesy.  I knew that Mark would chase after her as soon as he noticed.  
  
I smile now to think of Mark.  He chased and she stood her ground and swatted him away clearly and consistently and he just pursued her more.  If only he had been able to be a friend first and lover second, maybe this would be a very different life for me.  I shake that thought off though.  I wouldn’t change my time with Erica for anything.  I did not think to chase and she did not think to defend against me.  
  
***  
  
In  ** _anger_**  her eyes flash dark and her eyelids scrunch forward to narrow the death glare at her intended victim.  Her nostrils will flare and her eyes will flash as she sizes up her prey.  In  ** _openness_**  her eyes are wide and clear, her cheeks relaxed and her forehead smooth.  She takes in all the information from a person or a chart or while she reads the body in surgery.  I have been the happy subject of her study and found her gaze to be comforting.  When she is  ** _focused_**  there is no one else in the room.  In  ** _sweetness_**  she has a full smile ringed by light lipstick and her cheeks round up into the smile reaching her eyes—and that—that is when they truly sparkle.  Her eyes darken and her head tilts forward a little showing that she is entranced.  In  ** _awe_**  her eyebrows lift and her eyes are wide, her pupils dilated and the blue lighter with a happy glow.  She smiles then and you can see the tip of her tongue behind her teeth like it wants to slip out and she’d have to bite it back to hide her level of delight.  In  ** _ecstasy_**  her eyes flutter closed, her eyebrows crease together over her nose, and her mouth opens and closes with her breathing.  Her tongue darts out to lick her lips and she’ll bite her lip before she finally will shout her release.  
  
When she is  ** _hurt_**  her face is the most telling.  Her mouth is closed and her eyes are trained on you as you speak.  Her chin is upright as she braces herself for what you will say.  Her mouth drops a little and you can see her top teeth and her eyes darken before they are flooded with tears that won’t fall.  In a single breath, she processes quickly and efficiently as her heart breaks.  She triages the situation looking for what can be saved, what injuries are the most severe, and where to begin.  Her eyes might as well be lakes of despair as they suck you into her pain in that instant and you can’t bear to meet her gaze any longer.  Only the instant you look away, you realize what you have done.  You realize that the look everyone should fear is not the death glare, but it is the look of hurt and disappointment that clouds her always clear eyes and is so powerful it draws you down into her heart.  Only seconds pass but by the time you look back—the truth of her hurt is gone.  
  
After hurt she is  ** _determined_**.  Her mouth is closed, her head is tilted down as her eyes harden and she targets you.  Her head will shake only slightly and you wish that you could disappear into the ground instead of suffer with the truth of what you have done.  In that instant you are dismissed or left and both are as good as a fatal blow and you either stumble away to suffer or you are left to bleed out as she takes all of her former love with her.  You wait for her to open her mouth and threaten to cut your heart out with a scalpel the next time she sees you; you expect that, deserve it even.  Truly hurt though, the fatal blow never comes and you shrink as you realize how deeply you’ve hurt her as she echoes back what you’ve said to clarify and then leaves without striking you down.  
  
Those are the faces of  ** _hurt and determination_**  on Erica Hahn.  
  
Right now determination is the last face I have seen on Erica.  It may be the last face of hers that I will see.  It was the last time that I know she was talking to me and reacting to me.  It hurts to think of that face, it is the one she puts over her hurt to classify the pain, it is a professional mask over her gentle vulnerable personal self.  It is a look that she has been forced to put in place like a mask in order to face the world and the knowledge that I have forced her to use that is more painful than seeing the actual pain I inflicted in her.  
  
***  
  
“Hey.  Are you okay?”  
  
“No.”  
  
Mark wipes the tears from my face and envelops me in his strong arms.  The warmth of his hug reminds me of the coldness I have let creep into my bones since Erica left.  Her side of the bed is empty.  Her smell fading from my pillow. Her touch becoming a distant memory.  He hugs me and I sob.  Her OR is sterile, quiet and empty.  The board does not speak her name.  A silence has descended around me even though no one really knows, they are just so caught up in their own drama that I have been able to slide to the back and what they don’t know is that I’m wishing myself away.  Away from here, but away to where?  
  
“You need to go to her.”  
  
“How?”  
  
“I’ll drive you.  I know she hates me, but if bringing you to her can help either of you, then I’ll risk it.”  
  
***  
  
It is late when we arrive and I have begun to wonder if this is a good idea.  I still don’t know what to say to her.  I don’t know if she wants to see me.  I don’t know anything except the overwhelming pain I feel in her absence.  I may have been her glasses allowing her to see herself and the world more clearly.  I know that I haven’t felt that way exactly, but I do know that every moment that I realize she is gone, it is like a patient waking up to realize their legs have been amputated.  They may have loved their legs and been kind to their legs, but they may not have realized just how much they loved their legs—until the heartbreaking moment that they wake to see them gone.  And much like the patient mourning the loss, it flashes across them at odd moments as each little realization flashes in their mind.  
  
Every moment that I realize that Erica is gone; I am devastated anew.  Maybe that is why everyone has left me to my silence?  I must have an air of inconsolable loss that no one wants to meet head on.  I am about to tell Mark to take me home, but I can’t find the words and then we are on her street and it is too late.  It is too late as I see her get into her car and begin to back down her driveway.  I have started to hyperventilate and a cold sweat is creeping across my body.    
  
I am certain to go into shock as Mark screeches to a halt and Erica nearly hits us at the edge of her driveway.  He has blocked her in her driveway and nearly caused us to have an accident.  She is out and screaming at Mark.  I am frozen in the car listening to the carnage.  I feel like I am underwater.  I hear voices but can’t make anything out.  I can just imagine the finger pointing.  I know the battlefield will be bloody and there will be many casualties.  I know how she will get in his face almost daring him to do something to her so she can unleash the violent fury that she has always kept back.  I am trying to breathe, trying to think, and I just can’t.  
  
Where was Erica going?  I’m out of the car staring at her.  
  
The yelling stops.  There is an insane silence.  I close my eyes as I face her across the car and I am tempted to hide where Mark blocks her view of me.  I see every emotion wash over her face in a hurried parade of passion.    
  
“What’s wrong with her?”  Her words stab at Mark, but there is concern underlying it.  She doesn’t wish me ill.  
  
“She’s miserable and in shock over you.”  
  
“So she shows up with you!  You of all the people on the planet.”  She is gearing up again to tear someone, anyone to shreds.  I turn and dump the contents of my stomach onto the street.  Then I just step away and sit in the street as if I meant to do that.  
  
Her touch is blistering on my skin.  I have wanted her back with everything I have in me, but now I am too numb from the stress of it.  Her eyes are scrunched and dark blue in the nighttime.  Her face is full of care.  Her brows are tight with worry and her hair is a curly blond curtain surrounding her face.  I want to touch her, to talk to her but I just open my mouth like a fish.  She checks the pulse on my wrist, puts the back of her hand to my forehead, and stares into my eyes.  She closes her eyes, lowers her head and shakes it slowly.  I still am unable to speak.  
  
Quickly she decides how to handle this and she moves away from me.  I begin crying huge suffocating sobs that rattle in my chest.  I think she has abandoned me so that I can feel the depth of the pain that I caused her, but then she is by my side—one arm under my legs and the other behind my shoulders and she has lifted me in her arms.  I hug her in a chokehold and she stumbles a little.    
  
She pauses in front of Mark.  “Come in, if you want.”  But she doesn’t stop; she just carries past him to her front doorstep.  She stands on the porch turning slightly to face the door and to face the bench on her porch.  She’s deciding where to sit with me or where to put me.  As she’s standing there Mark approaches and I hold onto Erica tighter.  Taking the keys dangling out of her pocket, he opens the door and follows us inside.  
  
Erica carries me to the guest bedroom and lays me down shoes and all on top of the blankets.  I begin sobbing all over again because she has made me a guest and I want to move into her heart and never leave.  She steps out of the room and I curl into a fetal position hugging my arms around myself so tightly that the muscles will hurt soon.  
  
I hear her talking to Mark and then the front door opening, closing, and again.  Then it is silent.  No yelling.  Just silence.  I hear Erica talking later.  She sounds frustrated.  Then more silence.  It is a horrible sound and I am alone in the guest room, which is the coldest room in the house.  She keeps the door closed because she doesn’t really have guests and so she leaves the vent off and the door shut as if the room isn’t really there.  I sob renewed thinking that I am shut away and she can forget that I am here as well.  


The front door opens and closes.  I feel an air of finality as I realize I am alone in the house.  Erica has left me alone.  I lay there hugging my legs and willing myself to freeze into the bed so that I can become part of the ice sculpture set that this room is.  The tears are hot on my face and I can feel the pillow becoming damp on the side of my cheek.  I have calmed my breathing and now I am just so cold.  Inside my bones, in my muscles, in my lungs and heart I am so, so cold and I have started to shake with the stress and the cold and the finality of it all.  
  
I didn’t even hear the guest room door, I didn’t hear her footsteps in the hall, but I feel the bed dipping behind me and a blanket settling over me. She is back.  She has snuggled close to me and is holding me from behind.  Her breath is hot on the back of my neck and I shiver again, this time at her closeness.  
  
“Callie.  I’m here.”  
  
***  
  
In the morning, she wakes me up.  She held me all night and we slept some, but mostly just lay there.  It was too painful to talk.  
  
“Callie.  Wake up, Callie.”  Her hand is on my shoulder although her body is still warm and firm behind mine.  
  
I roll over and into her tossing my leg over her so she can’t move and wrapping my arm around her ribcage.  I start to cry and haven’t even looked her in the eye.  She squeezes me back with her free arm as well and begins to rub lazy patterns on my back.  
  
When I finally look at her she is biting her lip and her eyes are a pale blue that allows me to see inside them into her soul.  Her expression crinkles then and she half smiles.  “I have to go to the bathroom.”  She says sheepishly.  “You freaked out in your sleep every time I moved.”  
  
“Oh.”  I say and push her away slightly.  She smiles as she undoes the blanket and rolls off the side of the bed.  I lay there thinking about how it felt to be with her again.  How wonderful it was to have my legs back when I thought I never would walk again.  
  
I get up realizing that we haven’t even talked.  I don’t know where Mark is, where my stuff is…  I don’t know anything.  Suddenly feeling very stupid all over again I jump out of bed and rush into the bathroom.  I freshen up the best that I can and head out into the living room or the kitchen or the dining room.  I’m not sure where to go, but I need to be out in the main house so that I can talk to Erica.  As I am pacing I can hear her rummaging about down the hall.  I begin to wonder what she is doing, but then as I lap the living room again I notice her suitcase by the front door.  I rush down the hall fresh tears in my eyes.  
  
***  
  
“Erica.  Erica.  What are you doing?”  
  
“I thought I’d freshen up.  I still had my clothes on from last night.  Here.”  She hands me some sweats and a t-shirt.  I look down—I’m still in my clothes and shoes from yesterday.  
  
I take the clothes trying to breathe. “Where are you going, Erica?”  I don’t want to, but I stare at her trying to hold my eyes on hers.  “Why is there a suitcase at the front door?”  I am angry and I know I have no right to be, but still.  She’s silent.  “Where were you going last night when I got here?”  
  
“The airport.”  
  
I try to stare her down; I can’t do anything else.  I squeeze the clothes in my fist.  I can’t think of what to say, but I am willing her to tell me something.  I shift my weight back and forth waiting.  I can feel my stomach starting to churn.  I drop the clothes on the floor and start to step toward her.  She straightens her shoulders and stands upright closing her jaw and hardening her eyes.  I freeze where I am.  
  
I don’t want to be the first to speak, I don’t want to be weak in this moment, but it appears that she has said what she is going to say and has locked up and thrown away the key.  “Where?” I stutter out as the tears begin to flood my eyes.  
  
“Home.”  
  
“What?  You’re going home?”  
  
“Callie, I can’t stay here.”  
  
“Home, though?  You said you hated it there and never wanted to go back.”  
  
“I called my brother and I can stay with him for a while.  There’s an opening at the hospital and there’s a huge research program there.”  
  
“But, you stayed.  You were going last night?”  
  
“Callie.  I have been doing a lot of thinking.  A lot of thinking about work, but mostly I’ve been thinking about you.  So, when you showed up here last night and you were ill I had to stay.”  
  
“But you’re going?”  She nods her head.  “When?”  
  
“I need to book a new flight today.”  
  
I don’t even try to look away or walk down the hall.  I just sink to the floor and sob.  I can’t even bear this.  I can’t help it so I look up at her and instantly regret it.  Her eyes are bluer than I’ve ever seen and her face is so, so soft.  She is biting her lip fighting the tears I can see filling her blue eyes.  She swallows as she fights the urge to rage around the room or to come to me.  I close my eyes and suck in the sob so that there is no noise from me.  I need to withdraw into my shell.  I need to be in a king size bed with fifty pillows and blankets and to not ever have to unbury myself again.  
  
“Shhh.”  Her arms are around me before I even feel her body sink against mine on the floor.  I don’t know how long we stay like that.  I want to push her away, if she’s going to leave anyway, why should I let her comfort me?  But it feels so good to have her body pressed against mine, her heat against me.  I can smell her—the wonderful combination of her soap, shampoo, and light perfume.  I suck in great big gulps of air.  
  
“Why should I stay Callie?  What reason is there for me to stay here?”  
  
“I can’t make you stay, Erica.  I can’t make you come back to Seattle Grace.”  
  
“No, you can’t.”  
  
“What are you asking Erica?”  
  
“Do I.”  She starts and stops.  “Do I know you, Callie?”  
  
“Yes.  You know me better than anyone ever has.  You know that you know me.  I can’t believe that you think that you don’t know me.”  
  
Her hand is on my cheek now and tears are streaming down her face.  “And do you know me, Cal?”  


“Yes.  I think I know you better than anyone else.  I think you have truly let me know you.”  
  
“So think about this.  Think really hard about this.  What is hurting me the most right now?  What do I need?”  
  
“You are hurt that I didn’t understand what you were going through and I defended Izzie and the hospital instead of talking to you.  You are hurt the most because every time we get closer I run away and choose something over talking to you.  This time I didn’t literally run away, but I stood up for the wrong person.”  
  
She is crying out right now.  It’s hard to be so open with someone who has hurt you so much.  I can only imagine what she must feel, but her eyes tell me that her pain is as deep as my own.  I have been a wreck since the moment she walked away and each day is worse than the last because it hurts more because each moment of realization is a fresh wound that she’s gone.  
  
My empty bed, the surgical board without her name, the OR that isn’t the same, my skin which is hollow because her heart is not singing to mine anymore.  She gets up and the moment shifts.  She holds her hand down to me. “Come on, Callie.”  And when I take her hand she pulls me up and into her warm embrace.  Kill them with kindness never felt so painful until now.  Now I get it, I get it like a happy dagger into my heart.  I hope that she will be merciful and make an end of me quickly.  Instead she turns to the bed and motions for me to join her sitting on the made-up bed that she never made it to last night.  
  
“Erica.  You said I was your glasses.  You said that it was like I helped you to see the leaves of the world.  You were transformed and it was magical.  I freaked out because it wasn’t the same for me.  I am so, so sorry that I hurt you.  I had to understand myself and went about it in a totally destructive way, but I did learn.  I had just started with you.    
  
“Erica, I had just started to begin to understand what I felt and you were having a revelation and I freaked and then you freaked about Izzie and you were gone.  I don’t know if I’m your glasses anymore.  Maybe I have been replaced somehow.”  I sniffle.  She motions to interrupt me.  “No.  I need to tell you this.  You deserve to know.”  
  
She clasps her hands together and I feel like she has run out the door.  It is like there is an icy ocean separating us as we sit side by side on her bed.  How did we get here?  Was there a terrible accident and we just don’t remember and we’re too in shock to just go home?  
  
“Erica.  You are not my glasses.  I saw you before I ever knew what I was looking at.  I absorbed you through my skin and into my brain and way down deep into my heart.  I didn’t need glasses to see you, because you are so much a part of me that I didn’t even know.  You didn’t know you needed glass until you got them and then it was a joyous occasion.  I didn’t know you were such a part of me until you were gone.  You were like the legs that I assume are a part of me every day, the legs that have always been there and I don’t think much about.  But when you left.  You left a phantom of yourself in everything.  In my mind, my heart, my eyes, my bed, my clothes, at the hospital, everywhere.  And each time I take a breath and realize that you are gone it is like I have lost my legs all over again.  You are not my glasses:  you are my  ** _every_** thing.  
  
“I love you Erica.  I love you more than I could have ever realized, but you asked too much too soon and I was too scared to give myself to you.  Only I  ** _had_**  given myself to you.  I did it without either of us ever knowing, and I know it surely because of how bereft I have been without you.  
  
“You know me, Erica.  You know me.  You just didn’t see that I had already become yours and you just had to wake me up to the reality.  It hurts so much to be without you.”  
  
“Callie.  Callie.  I can’t believe this.  I can’t believe you.”  She is crying now.  
  
“You, you can’t believe me?”  
  
“Oh.  Callie, no, no.  It’s too much.  It’s what I have been dreaming of only so much better.  I wasn’t sure about you anymore than you were sure about me.  It  ** _was_** too much too soon.  I couldn’t cope with it either.  Oh.  My sweet, sweet Callie.  You saw through this.  You saw through this for us.”  She’s holding me and sobbing, but she sounded happy inside all of that overwhelmed.  
  
“So you believe me?”  
  
“Callie.  I love you.  I see you and I’ll be your legs if you want to be my glasses.”  
  
Her thumbs are hot on my cheeks as they smooth my tears away.  Her eyes are locked on mine and we fit.  We breathe each other in.  How could I not have known she was such a part of me?  When the tears stop and our breathing evens out, we smile at each other.  Her eyes dart to my mouth and I lean in to claim her with a kiss.  
  
“I love you.”  I say as I push her back on the bed and straddle over the top of her.  She looks up at me with that sideways smirk I love where her lip is shifted over to the right and she’s biting it and her eyes sparkle and her face crinkles up with happiness.  
  
“I love you.”  She says staring into my eyes.  She starts to sit up under me and I crash down on her claiming her with a kiss.  She hugs me tightly to her body and I am so glad that we don’t have to let go this time.  We don’t have to go anywhere or worry about anyone.  We have each other and we see clearly.  
  
Her hands find my hair and she pulls me back just enough to look into my eyes.  “Did you figure out what I need?”  She smiles.  
  
“Yes.  For me to claim you and keep you and never let you go.”  
  
“Will you come with me?”  
  
“I can’t think of anywhere else I’d rather be.”  
  
“Then come here.”  
  
I lie down next to her and let her claim me as we roll into each other.  It is slow and satisfying to take our time undressing each other and staring into each other’s eyes.  I normally think of passion as closing my eyes and giving in to the desire, but this is so much more passionate.  As I watch her she is watching me.  Her eyes travel my body as she undresses me and coaxes every inch of skin to life.  As she makes each move to claim me, she stops to return her gaze to mine.  To be reassured, to be taken in, to be encouraged.  I find it so sexy that halfway through undressing her I stop and just lock onto what she is doing.  
  
Once I am completely naked, I realize she is still half clothed and I hug her to me.  She caresses my back and dips lower as she circles.  Occasionally, she brushes her fingertips against my breast.  I am aching for her, but we are in no rush.  I lock my eyes on her and begin my own worship of everything she is.  I touch her face and hair.  I linger my fingertips on the hoop earrings in her ears.  She is so feminine in such an understated way that it is breathtaking.  I move to undress her and I keep my eyes on hers and then on what I’m doing like she did to me.  Seeking permission, showing appreciation, enjoying every happy second.  
  
Naked together, we are breathing hard.  Our eyes have had so much sex now that we need to catch up and our lips crash together tongues dueling for dominance.  I take her bottom lip in my teeth and gently pull, then suck and she moans.  She returns the favor with a pinch of her fingertips on my nipple and I whimper.  Kissing still, my hand goes between us and between her legs.  She shudders at my touch and I moan into her kiss.  Her hand mirrors mine and we have become a closed circuit of energy.  I feel what she feels and there is no time, no stopping.  
  
Fingers, sliding, legs opening, moaning, a whispered shout of a name.  Erica finally rises above me and I slide my fingers against her again.  Her hands are on my breasts and she is fighting the urge to come again.  I think she had something to say up there before my fingers found her center again.    
  
“Callie.  Wait.  Wait.”  And her hand is on my wrist slowing me down.  “I want to touch you, I want to see you come.”  And she is moving off me to the side—one leg between mine and one to the side.  I start to protest, even though she has not moved my hand.  “Together.”  She breathes out before locking her eyes on mine, kissing me hard and sliding her fingers against me.  I feel my body shudder with delight and I swallow hard as she raises herself over me on one arm while playing my body with her other.  
  
This?  This is what being able to walk again is all about.  The sweet victory of conquering something that was held out of reach and you have now reclaimed.   The purity of knowing who you love, being with them, and being claimed forever.  And I see it in her eyes as we hover and stroke and breathe until we shudder together and fall and roll in a heap of tangled limbs and exhaustion.  
  
“I need to pack.”  I say after a while.  
  
“Yes.” She says with a huge grin and she turns to me and kisses me.  
  
“You’ll keep me with you?”  
  
“Yes.”  Another kiss, this one longer as she takes my bottom lip and trails her tongue along it.  
  
“And you’ll feed me?”  I ask as my stomach growls.  
  
“Yes.” She kisses me lightly on the lips and then she pulls away.  Rolling out of bed.  My hand hangs onto hers as she moves away.  Then she is holding my hand and caressing my hair.  “You’ll come along and be my glasses when I have trouble seeing?”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“And you’ll claim me when I need you to?”  
  
“Yes.”  She leans over me and kisses me quickly and, as she rises, her gaze travels my body and a smirk appears.  
  
“And I can eat whatever I want?”  She asks as her hand begins to travel down my torso.  
  
“Yes.”  I smirk at her and grab her wrist suddenly.  “But food first.”  I smile and growl again.

 

 

…


	2. Callie Looks Ahead

**Callie Looks Ahead**  
  
Erica hasn’t been to Seattle Grace in days.  This was her home.  Her stuff is here: her glasses on the bedside table, her slippers by the closet door, her smell on the pillow, her second pair of hoop earrings on the bathroom counter, her comfy clothes piled in the chair in the corner.  Her life was here:  it was in this house; it was with me.  I could just stay here and breathe her in all day.  
  
“Where are you?”  Cristina’s angry whisper jars me.  I hadn’t even realized that I answered the phone.  
  
“Uh.  Erica’s.”  I’ve gone to the chair and I have Erica’s clothes in my lap and I’m holding her shirt to my face.  
  
“You have surgery in 20 minutes and chief is looking for you.”  
  
“Oh.  Yeah.  Can you postpone my surgery for half an hour?”  
  
***  
  
I scrub in and miraculously focus on the two-hour knee replacement.  I scrub out and wander around the hospital.  The first time I came to this hospital was 5 years ago.  Miranda, Sydney, and I were new and it was all bright and shiny.  I didn’t know I would fall for the `heart in the elevator’ guy, watch him self-destruct taking me with him, have and lose the job of chief resident, or make the best friends I’ve ever had in my life.  I didn’t know what I was in for then.  Addison came and went.  Mark and Cristina arrived.  Erica transformed me.  Wandering around for the last few days, I realize that I am seeing things in a new way—quietly saying goodbye to them.  I don’t know what the future holds, but Seattle Grace is not my home anymore.  
  
I didn’t know anything when I started.  I mean I didn’t know my value as a surgeon.  I didn’t know that I’d pioneer a process to build new legs from scratch.  I didn’t know that I would be wanted for every ortho surgery in the hospital.  I didn’t know I could rock three surgeries at one time and have an adrenaline high for hours.  I didn’t know that the love I was waiting for was hidden from me, because my vision wasn’t clear.  I didn’t know that I was hooked on risks because I was afraid to truly let someone in and feel real pain.  All I knew then was that Seattle Grace was undiscovered country that I could conquer.  
  
I know now.  I know that there’s nothing wrong with new—that breaking new ground, pushing the boundaries it comes with life.  I know that I shouldn’t panic and I should just tell what my heart says.  I know that Addison left because she had to, and now it’s my turn to do the same.  
  
I smile now to think of Addison.  She stood up for herself and brushed all the disastrous drama out of her way.  I can do the same.  I can wipe Izzie, George, the Duquette scandal, all of it away.  I can brush myself off and make a very different life for myself.  I can follow where Erica leads because there’s no other place that my heart would want to go.  I still don’t know a lot of things, but I know that I have to take a chance with Erica.  I am not hooked on risks anymore because I have felt the real pain of trying to avoid truly letting someone in.  I have truly let Erica in and there’s no pain, so the fear was for nothing anyway.  
  
***  
  
Cristina had been watching from the gallery.   I guess she’s concerned since I haven’t been home in a week and I was so miserable before.  Also, she had to call me because of being late and the chief, which I’m sure she wants to make sure doesn’t happen again.  “What were you doing?”  
  
“I was late.”  I shrug it off.  Cristina wants to be friends, but she makes it so difficult sometimes.  This time I’m the one being difficult.  I couldn’t care less that I was late today.  I was having a moment of realization as I wandered around Erica’s house.  I had been alone there for a week.  Hell, I was driving her car.  When Mark dropped me off at her place, my car was still at the hospital.  And when I dropped her off at the airport, she said I could drive it while she was gone if I wanted.  
  
“What were you doing at Hahn’s?  Is that where you’ve been all week?  Is she coming back?  Her car’s here.”  
  
“No.  She’s gone.  I drove her car, because mine was still at the hospital.  You’re gonna have to make do with whatever Richard puts in her place.”  
  
“Are you.  Uh.  Friends again?”  I love Cristina trying to talk girl.  It’s the most endearing thing on the planet and I plan to give the shortest answers possible to prolong her agony.  
  
“You could say that.”  I say with a naughty smirk.  
  
“Well, why won’t she come back?”  Clearly Cristina thinks that settles it, Erica had only left because we were fighting.  Jeez, does she not remember LVAD Gate and Burke being shot and being dragged into the whole Stevens’ mess?  
  
“It’s just too much for her to take, and really she’s right.  Izzie shouldn’t have been reinstated like that and allowed to become a resident and teach other doctors.”  Cristina’s mouth pops open as she realizes the underlying problem that was actually the cause of Erica’s leaving Seattle Grace.  I soften as I look at her.  It’s really touching that after all this time, she kind of misses Hahn.  She’d never admit it though.  “Cristina.  I’m sorry that Burke and Hahn are gone.  I know you only want the best, but that’s how it goes.  She’s interviewing this week.”  I turn back to my chart to make notes on the surgery I just finished.  
  
“But you’re smiling.”  Cristina is just not going to let this go.  She’s giving me her best inquisitor look, and I’m sure that it works better on Meredith than me, but I want her to go away.  
  
“Yes.  I am.”  
  
She takes a moment to process it pacing a little with her fingertips on her lips.  “You’re going too, aren’t you?”  
  
“Yes.  I am.”  
  
***  
  
I have clocked so many hours looking at Erica’s face, either in person, in memory, or in the few pictures that I have of her.  I could tell you how her eyes flash lighter or darker depending on the light and her emotions.  I could tell you how her eyebrows raise, or her eyelids flutter.  I could tell you how she bites her lip when she is nervous, or how she holds her jaw tight when she’s angry, or I could tell you how her mouth hangs open just slightly when she’s focused on the heart of a patient, or how it rounds out in pleasure as she is released.  
  
Erica is so complicated and yet so simple.  Her face tells you everything you could need to know and it can’t lie.  Her eyes will blaze with the truth before she can decide to hold it back and you just know.  She may swallow back what she wants to say, and tell you okay, but the set of her jaw and the darkness of her eyes, tells you otherwise.  
  
She tried to tell me that when I confessed to her about sleeping with Mark.  And she tried to tell me that she was okay again when I took her to the airport.  I knew it wasn’t true either time.  This time I wasn’t a coward, this time I wasn’t going to try and pretend it would all be all right.  She got out of the car and got her bag and I came around to her.  “I’ll be okay.”  She said and I could see her doing her mental preparations for being okay, as if she was going into a very complicated surgery.  Her eyes didn’t lie to me though; they held a bittersweet mixture of sadness, hope and desire.  We didn’t know what kind of goodbye this was, so I told her everything that I needed to tell her.  
  
At the airport, I kissed her cheek and held her hand in both of mine over my heart.  “Erica, I claim you and I’m not letting go.”  She tried to speak, but I squeezed her hand and shook my head, willing the tears to not fall.  “I claim you and I’m not letting you go.  I will come with you and be your glasses.  But you have to claim me, keep me with you, and be my legs.”  
  
Erica kissed me then and between kisses she asked with a smile, “And I can eat whatever I want?”  
  
“Yes.  As long as there’s real food too.”  I said with a wicked gleam in my eye.  
  
“Now.  Go before you’re late.”  I kissed her quickly and turned her around.  
  
This can’t be goodbye.  It shouldn’t be goodbye.  It sure felt like goodbye though these last several days without her again as I wandered the halls of the hospital looking for her as I did when she first left, even though she’d left the hospital before she ever boarded that plane.  Everything sure looked different now.  
  
***  
  
“Chief.”  
  
“Callie.  Come in.  Come in.”  
  
“Are you okay?”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
The chief looked me over, his eyes gently studying me.  He was my one-time mentor, but now I saw a man beaten down by decisions made in the gray area, a man who had become a dividing line in my life.  Erica could not work at his hospital.  He tilted his head slightly, questioning me.  I was a willful child—on one hand I rocked the ortho department and made him look good, on the other I made interesting personal choices that have hurt me and threatened to hurt my work.  A silence hung in the room.  
  
Something clicked behind his eyes and he knew.  “You’re leaving.”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
***  
  
Internet directions, rental car map, lack of sleep, and nerves made up the minutia of details that I needed to sort through this morning.  Minutia was all it all was.  There was a bigger picture and I was heading into that sunset panorama one way or another.  It was early when I arrived.  There was a mist hovering over the ground and the sun was beginning to cast a glow into the sky.  It was fresh and chilly.  I forgot to leave my jacket out and I was too excited to stop and get it out as I traveled.  I don’t know what to say to her.  I don’t know how I’ll be received.  I don’t know anything except the overwhelming pain that I felt in her absence.    
  
I got a plane ticket, hotel, rental car, and job interview as soon as I left the chief’s office.  I had no surgeries scheduled and he let me head home to figure things out.  He even offered to call a couple of his colleagues for me.  He only blinked a couple of times when I told him where to call and he realized that was Erica’s hometown.  In fact, he seemed more eager to refer me once he apparently connected the dots.  No sooner had I made it to Erica’s house, then he called back to say that I had an interview at two different hospitals in two days.  
  
I knocked on the door.  Ten heartbeats.  Twenty.  Thirty.  I couldn’t stand it so I knocked again.  Ten heartbeats.  Twenty.  Thirty.  I knocked again panicked now my heart rate raced in my ears.  I heard a dog barking in the distance.  A car drove by on the road and the sprinklers came on.  I was just about to knock again and my hand was raised in front of the door when Mark’s almost twin opens the door in his boxers and bad attitude.  He could be Mark’s twin with his body, but his death glare is all HAHN.  At least I had the right address, now I just had to not melt into a puddle under the glare of death.  
  
“Are you lost?  Or something?”  
  
I’ve heard that tone before.  Usually it was shaped as a threat and followed up with a squinted scowl that indicates the death countdown had begun.  I smiled despite myself, like a little lamb being led to the slaughter.  
  
“Well?”  Oops.  I needed to act quickly.  
  
“I’m looking for Erica Hahn.  I was told she was staying here.”  I tried to smile like I was some kind of sane person, but I was sure that I looked like someone showing up on a doorstep at an unearthly early hour, who wasn’t expected and was therefore slightly crazy and crazy people were not to be trusted because they might be a danger to themselves or others.  
  
“Good god!”  He shut the door in my face.  I was left shivering in the cold on the doorstep panicking.  I could hear shouting and footsteps.  I was about to knock on the door again when it was yanked open, this time by the right Hahn.  
  
“Callie?”  A tornado of emotion swept across Erica’s face as she wass shocked, thrilled to see me and then shocked again.  She grabbed me and yanked me into the house.  The door slammed and she had me pinned against it kissing me.  
  
“Erica?”  His voice was shocking in my ear and I pushed her away gently.  I had forgotten he existed, even though I knew this was his house, and I was pissing him off only moment earlier.  I found the address in her address book after all.  “I thought she was the crazy one.”  He was pointing at me.  Then his eyes locked on her like a hawk that spotted its prey.  “What the hell is going on?”  
  
Erica looked from him to me, and back again.  “This is Callie.  This is what I have been trying to tell you about for days and couldn’t explain.  This is Callie, this is the reason I missed my flight.  This is the reason it’s hard to leave Seattle.”  Holding my hand, Erica dragged me down the hall to meet her brother—who was still in his boxers, with crazy bed hair, his arms crossed across his chest, and Erica’s death glare.  
  
“You are right.  She’s hard to explain.”  
  
“Ethan.”  Her tone held a warning.  She stopped two steps away from him and there was nothing in the world more intimidating than a Hahn Staring Contest.  WWF had nothing on these two.  I could just see it now—The Event of the Century—The Hahn Smackdown.  The focus, determination, setting of jaws, and steadiness of pressure was what gave this drama.  I could hear the western music in the background as the gunfighters’ held their hands ready over their pistols and I even heard the sound effect of spurs.  Suddenly he smiled reaching out a hand to me.  
  
“I couldn’t leave her either.” He laughed and shook my hand.  “Welcome, then, I’m Ethan.  I’m the good one, by the way.”  Then he slapped Erica on the side of her arm and she winced in pain and rubbed the spot.  He turned into the bedroom we were standing at the threshold of and disappeared around the corner.  
  
“Come on, Cal.  Let’s get you settled.  You have a lot of explaining to do.”  She led me through the house and to the hall on the other side of the living room to her guest bedroom.  
  
“He slapped you.”  
  
“Yes.  He takes some getting used to.”  She was smiling and putting on clothes.  
  
“I.  Erica.  Don’t.”  
  
“What?”  She said turning to look up at me, she was bent with one leg in the pants and the other leg raised up almost into the pants.  
  
I stepped over to her.  “Don’t.  Don’t get dressed.”  I breathed out.  
  
“Callie?  What are you doing?”  
  
“I’m claiming you.  Ok.  I’m claiming you permanently.”  
  
With that she dropped the pants that she was trying to put on and stepping out of them, she took the final step to me and our lips meet in a hungry kiss.  I gently pulled the zipper down on her zip up sweatshirt and smiled as I held it open admiring the view of her naked breasts, smooth skin and black lacy boy shorts.  I chuckled and bit my lip at the thoughts of her in my head.  
  
“What’s so funny, Callie?”  
  
“You attacking me in the hall in front of your brother naked except for boy shorts and a zipper.  Hot.  That’s all I’m saying.  Very hot.”  With that my lips crashed back into hers and I pulled her sweatshirt off her shoulders and dropped it on the floor.  “Lay down.”  I told her and as she turned to go I slapped her hard on the ass.  “Those boy shorts are going to be the death of me.”  I stripped as she kneeled in the middle of the bed watching me.  
  
“They kill me.  Why do you think I attacked you in the hall?”  
  
I joined her on the bed, “What?”  
  
“They’re yours.”  Her eyes could make me cum right there.  She stole my underwear?  Oh, my goodness.  That was a Torres trick if ever I thought of one.  
  
Her hands cradled either side of my face and she was looking into my eyes longingly.  I put my hands on her hips and slid as close to her as I could.  My arms went around her waist and slid up her back.  One arm raised up to grab her hair and hold her into the kiss, the other made its way in front of her over her collarbone, down her chest.  I rested my palm against her heart to feel it beating for me.  I cupped her cheek and gazed into her eyes.  
  
“I missed you.”  I whispered to her, holding her cheek with one hand and sliding my other hand down and my fingers inside the lace and into her center.  
  
Her breath caught and she blinked her eyes licking her lips.  “I missed you too.”  And then she was shuddering against me as I pumped into her curling my fingers.  Her first moan brought my lips to hers to catch all of the passion.  I needed her.  I needed to capture all of it, all of her, all of her passion.  I held her to me with one hand and dangled her pleasure from the other.  When it became too much for her and she was shaking against me and trembling she sank her teeth into my shoulder and her fingers dug into my hips holding on like I was the only way to safety.  
  
I held her against me until her breathing evened out.  “I missed you more.”  I smirked and kissed her again.  “I’m glad it was my shoulder and not my neck.”  I said as we parted and she shed her underwear to lie down.  
  
“Oh yeah?”  Her hooded eyes told me that she’d like to have a go at my neck just now.  And I waggled a warning finger at her.  
  
“No, no, no.  I have interviews and can’t go in with a love bite.”  


 

  
…


	3. Callie Imagines

**Callie Imagines**  
  
Erica sees a hospital.  She sees fresh possibilities and new cases and a chance to make her mark on the world of cardiothoracics.  Erica sees a future for us that involves a house and maybe even carpooling.  I see on-call rooms.  I see small little things that brighten my day like her new black scrub cap with pink skulls.  I see her panty line indicating that she’s got those stolen, but very hot black lace boy shorts on.  I see the hope that I can seductively erode her professional exterior every chance I get.  
  
Or?  Not.  
  
Erica smirks as she catches me watching her and chewing my pen absentmindedly as I rest on my elbow at the nurses’ station.  She doesn’t even come over and I know that she’s laughing at me on the inside when she turns the corner out of sight.  She told me a couple of weeks ago that she won’t come near me at work if I even so much as look glassy eyed or doe eyed, or if I have the smallest twinkle in my eye.  Erica said that she respected my not wanting a love bite on my neck for interviews and that was how she wanted to be respected at work as we tried to maintain our professionalism during the first year or so on the job.  
  
Of course below the edge of my scrub top, there were numerous examples of how Erica wanted to be respected in bed.  So, there was a fine line to walk for us, and it was apparently okay to push that limit on occasion.  Erica could mark me, but not visibly to others.  She could come talk to me at work and give me that glassy doe eyed, lusty look with whatever she said or did, but I couldn’t act on it.  That’s not fair, I decide.  `I’ll show you’ I think as I sit at the nurse’s station pondering my next move.  
  
“What’s that?”  Dr. Flor asks as he walks up and takes in my appearance sitting at the nurses’ station.  He looks around and then at me quizzically since there is no one around.  He is my orthopedics attending and he has just walked up to find me talking to myself after two months on the job.  
  
I said that out loud!  This is going to be the longest year ever.  Especially with Erica dancing up to the line and then waltzing away with a smirk.  I can’t even think in my head anymore, it always comes out.  
        
***  
  
I scrub in with Dr. Flor and he takes me through a standard rotator cuff surgery.  He grills me and watches each move I make like a hawk.  I’ve been flying solo for so long at Seattle Grace that it is surprising to find myself in a position of having to prove myself all over again.  Rebelliousness flares up in me, but I am able to quash it thinking that I am somewhere new and they don’t know me.  Ultimately, they are responsible for whatever I do in the OR and they are the ones that are going to supervise as I sit my boards and move to the next level with their sign off.  I only have a few months to prove my worth to them.  
  
There is some time off in between surgeries and I wander the surgical floor becoming acquainted with the various locations and people.  I notice patient rooms, where the supplies are kept, and who seems to be talking to whom.  Ortho is always a very small part of the surgical program and so I need to familiarize myself with the other residents and the attendings.  The interns are few and far between and I am glad that this is a smaller program.  
  
I walk past a patient room and as I glance in I see that Erica is there with her patient.  She is standing there going over the procedure with him and grilling some interns or residents.  She’s gentler now and I’m glad.  She was really working on that at SGH before we left, but now it will be all that these people know of her.  They will know she’s serious, but hopefully Attila the Hahn won’t be making any appearances any time soon.  She looks up and catches my eye so I smile at her.  I stop and lean against the wall opposite the door listening to her.  She glances my way again and this time I give her my best seduction smile.  Then I turn and open the door next to me—on open on-call room.  
  
I lock the on-call room door.  I want her to be teased if she tries to come after me since she knows where I am.  And maybe I want to tease her myself.  In fact, as I lay there I begin to fantasize about exactly that.  What if I was touching myself and Erica caught me in the on-call room?  What would she do?  Would she finally break her strict code of professionalism?  
  
When I met Erica, I had no idea what kind of sexual creature she would be.  I had no way of knowing that she would put Mark to shame with her level or desire, skill, endurance, and flexibility.  I had no idea she’d wake me in the middle of the night to go another round, touch me and tease me at dinner with her brother, have no limits to her orgasms or her giving.  I had no idea that she could make me blush with the things she’d say or be willing to try.  All I knew was that if she issued the invitation I’d always take it anywhere, anytime.  
  
I knew that I liked her tenderness, shyness, and attention.  She was not Dr. Hahn with me, instead she was Erica:  willing to do anything to find out what would make me happy.  I liked her willingness to try new things, her desire to please me, and her willingness to tell me what pleased her.  She will hold out if she knows I’m close.  I knew as soon as she touched me that I could fall for her completely which is why I freaked out.  
  
I smile now to think of how stupid I was and how patient she tried to be.  She had to throw down to make me snap out of stupid, but it had to be done.  If only I had been able to admit my feelings from the beginning, maybe this would be a very different life for me.  I shake that thought off though.  I wouldn’t change being here with Erica for anything.  And if she had to leave to get me to realize it, then I’m glad she did.  
  
***  
  
In curiosity her eyes lighten and are shiny as she takes in details of my skin, my breathing, my taste, or my feel.  She bites her lip and then holds her mouth just barely open with her tongue against her teeth and she sizes up her options.  In questioning her eyes widen and her brows scrunch up, as her eyes follow her fingers’ path and then she looks to my face for encouragement.  When she is full of desire there is no one else in the room and her eyes open so much so that her desire flows out to me and draws me in until I pleasure her to exhaustion.  In tenderness her lips draw closed keeping part of her emotion to herself, and her eyes glisten with the shine of how much love she has bottled up inside of her.  Holding back and expressing so much at one time she is truly entrancing and I cannot look away from her.  In passion her mouth opens and at first no sound comes besides a hitched breath as she holds in her love, until she begins to tremble and she arches her back and her eyes are closed as she says my name through clenched teeth.    
  
When she is spent her face is most telling.  Her breathing is deep as she calms down and pulls me to her.  Her faces buries in my hair and her lips place light kisses on my scalp whispering her love to me before she can even speak again herself.  Her leg goes over mine as her body promises to keep me forever.  In a moment, her hunger is renewed and propped up on an elbow she gazes over my body quickly taking in where she wants to start her assault on my body and how much she will tease me to prolong the pleasure of my ultimate release.  Her eyes might as well be hands as their blue passion caresses my body and she hovers there as I imagine what path she will take down my body and into my soul.  
  
After spent she is sated.  A bright smile covers her face, and there’s a twinkle in her eye as she switches from want, to desire, to giving, and then to mind blown.  There is a sense of satisfaction and pride as she swaggers to the bathroom or the door knowing that she has been as ravaged by desire and love as she has given over and over again.  And right now, that is the last face I’ve seen on Erica.  It is a face that I long to see again as I move about the hospital checking on patients, meeting new doctors, and surveying my surroundings.  It is a face that I’d like to help her to have again as soon as I see her, even if it is here at the hospital.  
  
***  
  
“Hey.  Are you okay?”  I grab a chart from the nurses’ station near the on-call room.  Erica looks at me in wonder.  I can tell it’s because she can’t decide what expression I have.  Maybe she can’t place my post orgasm face within the walls of the hospital and so she doesn’t get it.  
  
“No.”  
  
“What’s wrong?  You’re all sweaty and disheveled.”  
  
I bite my lip and contemplate my response.  Erica won’t approach me if I look the slightest bit flirty, so what would she do if I was downright orgasmic?  “Hmmm.  I’ll never tell you what’s wrong.”  
  
“What?  Why, Cal?”  
  
“Because you might not ever talk to me at work again.”  
  
“Cal?”  
  
I turn and walk away, but I flash her a wicked smile and point to my watch signaling 4 to her, meaning we only have four hours left of our shift and then we can go home.  I see her face go from concerned to confused to happy in a flash and I love how expressive she is.  I could watch her face forever, let alone the rest of her.  For days.  For days and days and days.  Maybe for all of my days.  That thought makes me smile, even more than all those dirty, dirty thoughts I had and played out in the on-call room.  
  
I turn away swaggering as I continue down the hall and I remember how good the thought of her felt and knowing how great the reality of her will be when we get home.  It will be an extra special reality tonight since her brother is out of town and she has promised me a special treat.  She really shouldn’t promise me special treats after hot morning sex and right before work.  Maybe that’s why she did it, to tease me and have me panting in anticipation all day long.  `I’ll show you’ I think again as I strut down the hall thinking of how much I want to show her as soon as we get home.  
  
I turn to look at her as I round the corner at the end of the hall.  She has apparently been watching me as I walk away—admiring the sway of my hips and the swish of my hair.  She knows she has been caught and she drops the patient chart on the counter, which falls to the floor with a loud clatter.  She bends to pick it up and blushing looks up at me and then to the on-call room door that I had left.  
  
I lick the tip of my fore-finger and then kind of point it at her making the sign of scoring a point at her.  Team Callie: score 1.  Erica gathers the chart and shakes her head.  
  
***  
  
Erica is almost an hour late coming home.  I am beginning to wonder what could have happened to her.  I called but her phone went to voice mail and I left a vague message not wanting to sound too worried or anything.  I could call the hospital to see if she had a surgery come in, but I don’t want to draw attention to her or identify myself and draw attention to us.  I wish Yang was here, just so I could call her and see if Erica was caught up in surgery or not.  
  
As the minutes tick by in Ethan’s empty house I begin to think about this morning and how wonderful everything has been since I left to find Erica.  My mind inevitably wanders to how incredible sex has become with her—from freaked out and bumbling technical the first time, to amazingly satisfying uncontrolled hunger for one another by now (and I’ve lost count how many times it took us to get there, and I can’t count how many times we’ve repeated that).  
  
Then I am thinking about how hot she makes me when she’s not even around me.  Just the thought of her voice, eyes, touch, expression, and her boundless love is enough to arch my back, curl my toes, and leave me gasping for air.  I almost wish Erica was in that on-call room today to see just how much she affects me.  If I knew she was on her way, I would go to the bedroom now to show her.  
  
The dark is filling the house as the minutes tick by and I turn on the light in the living room, but I don’t want to be there.  My only spot in Ethan’s house is in Erica’s bed down the hall and I go there turning on the small bedside lamp and bundling up in the blankets feeling less and less sexy each minute I am alone in this big house.  Erica would normally have called me and I am beginning to grow concerned that something has happened on the road, even though it is a short drive.  
  
Was Erica avoiding me this afternoon?  Or did I just not see her?  She only had consults, pre-ops, and minimal procedures scheduled.  I hovered around on the surgical floor in between setting bones, casting them, and consulting on a hip replacement for later this week.  Normally I at least see her, even if I don’t get to talk to her.  I have grown accustomed to seeing her blonde curls at least every hour when she’s not in surgery.  And now as the minutes tick by and I wonder I really long for at least a glimpse of her curls and a small smile.  
  
What if I pushed it too far with my solo on-call room escapade?  I didn’t do anything to cross her lines, hell she wasn’t even there.  But she knew that’s where I went, she knew it’s where I came out of sweaty and disheveled.  I couldn’t mistake her blush and head shaking as I walked away.  But was it not okay somehow?  Had I put too much into her head at work?  
  
I call again and there’s no answer.  
  
***  
  
Erica joined me sometime in the night, but I was asleep.  I would have thought that I’d wake up, but apparently, I had worried myself into exhaustion.  I snuggle into her face to face holding but I come up short when I feel her street clothes.  I back off of her and look her over—she has on her royal blue long sleeve t-shirt which brings out her eyes when she’s awake and she still has on her jeans.  My mind is suddenly very awake as I try to process what is going on.  
  
She came home.  She’s snuggled up to me.  She’s relaxed and sleeping.  
  
She had to come home, there’s nowhere else.  She’s snuggled up to me because she’s not under the blankets, it’s cold, and I’m there.  She’s exhausted and so tired that she’d sleep through anything.  
  
I’ve figured out nothing.  
  
I pull away from her and throw the blanket over her.  I get out of bed, put on pajamas, and go to make coffee.  She has not moved when I come back and crawl into bed sitting next to her sipping coffee.  I don’t want to wake her because I think I might get shot, but I am dying to know what is going on.  In my mind there is a civil war of thoughts tangled up as I try to find a simple solution that has no problem besides miscommunication and the part of me that drags up every insecurity and worry from puberty forward and tells me that Erica is pissed off at me and this fairytale that I’ve created in my head was fun but isn’t the reality that she wants.  
  
The sun has risen and filled the room.  An hour goes by and I hear a dog barking outside.  The final sip of coffee in my mug swishes around as I hug it and look down at it for answers.  Another hour goes by and I hear the sprinklers come on.  I am pretty sure I’m not glad today was our day off.  I’m pretty sure as the tears begin to trickle down the side of my face that I wish the alarm would have gone off and I would have an answer from Erica.  Almost another hour goes by and she stirs, waking from her slumbers.  
  
She reaches for me, but I am curled up against the headboard and she does not find me.  Her eyes flash open and she lifts up on her elbows looking for me.  Her face drops and her brain tries to wake her as she takes in my appearance looking down at her.  
  
***  
  
Erica blinks a couple of times and sits up.    She moves her pillow out of the way and sits next to me on her knees brushing my tear stained cheek with her fingertips.  “Callie, what’s wrong?”  
  
“I didn’t think you were coming home last night.”  
  
“Why did you think that, Cal?”  
  
“You didn’t come home, and you didn’t call, and you didn’t answer when I called.”  
  
“I’m so sorry baby.  I was called into an emergency surgery and was stuck there for hours.  I never got a chance to call you and there was no one else I could have call you either.”  
  
Sniffling, “I thought you were mad at me.”  
  
“Why would I be mad at you?”  
  
“You won’t even talk to me at work if I look sideways at you.  I thought that maybe I had gone too far.”  
  
“What did you do?”  
  
“You saw me come from the on-call room and then you avoided me all afternoon.”  
  
“I swear I didn’t avoid you.  But what about the on-call room?  I thought you looked disheveled or something, but you wouldn’t talk to me about it.”  
  
“Oh, I’m so embarrassed.”  I cover my eyes with my hand.  “I went in there thinking about you because you’re such a tease.  I, well, I had to take the edge off because all I could think about was you, and the morning sex and your promise of a treat.”  
  
“Callie?  What did you do?” Erica’s tone is almost a warning and she takes the coffee mug from me and reaches behind her to put it on the bedside table.  
  
Sheepishly I look at my drawn up knees.  I didn’t imagine that I’d have to tell her what I did in that on-call room.  I thought she knew.  “Uh.  I don’t want to tell you.”  
  
Erica gazes into my eyes.  Her own darkening with confusion and her mouth opens a little.  I can see her pink velvety tongue between her lips and I lick my own thinking of her again.  She tilts her head then closing her lips tight into a tiny smirk.  She swallows and her eyes take on a new shade of desire as she figures out what I’m saying.  “Why don’t you show me then?”  She says as she backs off the bed strips down and lays looking up at me.  
  
“What?  Erica?”  I’m sure that my eyes are as wide as saucers.  
  
She is so satisfied with her request and my look of shock that I look away processing her and look back.  When I do I see that she is lying on her stomach with her feet in the air and I can’t help but follow up her legs to the curve of her ass and dimple where her spine begins and my eyes follow it up to her curls along her back and finally back to her face where she is looking up at me her chin propped on the back of her hands.  I blink at her.  She rolls to the side so that I can see her breasts, her hip, and her top leg tilted down covering her sex from me.  “I’ll give you that treat I promised.”  
  
I get up and take my clothes off unsure and I watch her as I do.  She has brought her free hand up and is rubbing her thigh up and down, up and down.  I continue to strip and she begins to run her hand along her side above her hip and up to her breast, but not over it and then back down along her thigh.  With just my panties on, I stop to watch her as she runs her hand up her thigh, along her side and around her breast, pausing over her nipple, before continuing down her thigh again.  
  
Losing my panties, I lay down and she stops caressing herself.  “Tell me what you were doing, Callie.”  She says in the lowest voice I’ve ever heard her use.  
  
I close my eyes, lick my lips because they are suddenly so dry and rest my hands on my stomach.  “I was thinking about our morning sex.  How your hands make my skin feel like it’s on fire.  I was thinking about how your teeth feel against my nipple, and then how you smooth it out with the flat of your tongue.”  My hands move to my breasts and begin to massage them and pinch the nipples.  
  
I don’t open my eyes.  “I was thinking about how your face looks when you watch me react as your hands explore my body.”  I swallow hard as one of my hands slides down my body to the line of my hip and I hover there, the other hand pinching my nipple hard.  “I was thinking how I wanted you in that on-call room with me.  To feel how wet I was and how much I wanted you again.”  My fingers slide through my wetness and I let two enter me, knowing how great Erica’s fingers feel, but not daring to look at her to ask.  My breathing hitches and I slide the fingers up to my clitoris gently circling.  “I knew it had only been four hours and I had so many more to go without you, but I knew you had on your scrub cap from me, and those black lace boy shorts.”  I arch up myself as I continue to circle with two fingers and my breast hand switches across my body to pinch the other nipple.  
  
I am so close that I am beginning to tremble.  It is hard to breathe let alone speak.  I have widened out my legs as far as they would go and I am so ready to let go.  Erica’s hand is on my wrist and I look up at her in shock.  When did she get off the bed and come around?  Why?  What the hell did she put on panties for?  I can’t believe she stopped me now.  I go to put my hand back and finish what was almost done, when she pulls my hand to the front of her panties and wraps my hand around her…  
  
Cock?  
  
She pushed against my legs and she climbs onto the bed with me.  In her hand is a small bottle and she pours some liquid out into her hand and then she massages it all over what I see now is a teal masterpiece.  I thought she had put those damn boy shorts back on, but her special treat was a harness and, uh, what do you call that exactly?  She puts the bottle on the nightstand and then she moves between my legs.  Her fingers are slippery from the lube and they slide easily in the wetness that I have created for her there.  She inches forward watching me.  
  
It has got to be the most erotic thing I’ve ever seen in my life and I wonder why I never thought of it before.  Surely the notion of Erica in a black harness and beautiful curls had to be lurking somewhere in my brain.  Once she’s close enough she stops her fingertips sliding through my center teasing me, and she pauses a moment to switch something on or turn a dial.  It’s a little awkward, but when I hear a buzz come to life and she inches imperceptibly closer to me rubbing her tip along my slit, I am ready to be undone.  
  
She slides into me then and puts her hands on my knees.  I have always loved her on top of me, dominating me, but this vision of her now elevates her to high goddess of the goddesses in my opinion.  She falls down over me holding herself up on one hand, thrusting with her whole body and her other hand snakes it way down to my clit.  I lock my eyes onto hers as she consumes me and then I kiss her hard until I’m afraid of what I will do and then I wrap both of my legs around her hard and sink my teeth into her arm.  
  
She waits until I have stopped shuddering and then she pulls away as I whimper.  She quickly moves off the bed and strips herself down placing the harness on top of her pajamas in the chair.  Then she is back between my legs with her fingers against me and then sliding around and over my clit.  It only takes a few strokes and I am moaning and crying out her name.  
  
“Thank you for telling me about the on-call room.  I’ll make sure to not promise you treats before work anymore.”  Oh, she’s a funny lady, I think.  Then she’s kissing my hair and chuckling into my ear breathlessly.  So, I flip her and find she has enjoyed her special treat for me as well as I have and in a few strokes she is calling me names and shouting my name as well.  


 

End.

 

  
…


End file.
